Alright. First post back…some association football-related business. 

First off, let me be the first on dc.com to welcome Becks to America. A lot of people from guys who last touched a soccer ball in primary school Bantam-league to Continentally-renowned columnists have written him off, saying that his buzz will fade off after a few weeks or even as early as after his first game. Lots of people will turn on the TV and watch his first game with the Galaxy, and when he doesn’t do flying volleys or samba steps while dribbling through entire teams like a drunk Bode Miller effortlessly slaloming, they’ll turn off the TV, and the Becks hype will die 90 minutes after he touches the first competitive ball in the US. 

I can understand people saying this. I think anyone in the world can appreciate the jawdropping athleticism and grace of Ronaldinho dribbling, but its harder to see what the big deal with Beckham is and what he can bring to the table. He doesn’t run that fast, doesn’t really dribble, he doesn’t even argue with refs because he just smiles at them, the wanker. 

What people don’t realize is that if Beckham and Ronaldinho came to the US together right now, Beckham will still be the bigger star. Here’s why: Ronaldinho is ugly (Do you think Potatohead Chauncey Billups could ever be the NBA’s most marketable? No American hates ugly). Beck’s going to be huge and transcend what he does on the field. Brand Beckham is more unstoppable than his free kicks from 25 yards. Even if he didn’t play soccer and just moved to LA to kick it and have pictures of him taken by Steven Klein till he dies, he’s still gonna be invited to every Hef party at the mansion, every MTV awards. Kim and Jay-Z already been dropping his name in songs. He’s gonna be the the guy caught on camera at every Lakers game, and America’s gonna love him simply because he’s fine and can play ball. We embrace plenty of otherwise worthless men who are *only* fine–I mean what has Matthew McConaughey, the worthless cunt, done in the past decade?  Plus, Mr. People’s Sexist Man Alive 2005 can’t bend a cross perfectly between a helpless centerback and an equally befuddled goalkeeper. 

 I’ve proved that he won’t fall off. Now onto the argument that he can’t improve MLS soccer. That’s bullshit. Plenty of dudes will follow Becks’ footsteps. Even legendary coaches like Fabio Capello and Jose Mourinho said they now want to come to improve America’s dearth of tactical nous. People compare this to the death of the NASL after the influx of stars in the 70’s and 80’s after Pele, but the circumstances are completely different. When Pele arrived at the Cosmos, they didn’t even have a stadium. They practiced on some island on the Hudson on some dirt and literally no one knew what soccer was. I’ve watched the ABC broadcasts–I think it was Howard Cosell or Marv Albert who had to explain to the viewers at kickoff that only the goalie can touch the ball with his hands, and that there are no timeouts or set plays. Soccer at that time wasn’t a sustainable business. It is now. 

Beckham probably could’ve played for two more years at the highest level in Spain. He never relied on speed anyway so his advancing age or dwindling pace doesn’t affect him. He’s absolutely going to tear up the MLS. If the Galaxy get a few forwards who can put the ball in the net after running onto his through or long balls, Becks easily will lead the league in assists.

And that, my friends, is because while form is temporary, class is permanent.